The Earth-Toned Pill

Tomorrow is the 'official' beginning of the Fantasy Fatball Competition between Sean and I, but today is my starting point for the elimination of fast food, processed foods and Coke. I had a pretty good weekend maxing out on all my favorite garbage, and last week in general was nothing but one long McDonalds farewell marathon. (Cate was beyond pissed when she saw bank charges on Friday for three Mickey D's meals in a single day...) In any event, the stage is set and Sean and I have established the conditions by which one of us will win this competition.

This is a winner-take-all competition, with the winner being the person with the highest number of points on April 1st. Points will be awarded in four categories:

1. 2 Points for most total pounds lost
2. 1 Point for most improved bad cholesterol
3. 1 Point for most total HealthMiles
4. 1 Point for most improved body fat

For an idea of where I'm starting at, here are my basic health stats as officially recorded at work:

Weight: 271.2 lbs
BMI: 34.8
Body Fat: 28%
Blood Pressure: 135/78

Yeah. Ouch.

In addition to my body almost being one third of just fat, I have insanely high blood pressure and a BMI in the 'obese' zone. With that said, I'm trying to look on the positive side. Like, me being fatter gives me more of an opportunity to lose weight... Look, I know its BS, but it justifies it somewhat, right?

Anyway, I'm really trying to get in the mindset of eating healthy and avoiding the bad things I know I should be avoiding. If I can stick to that, it will be as good a start as I can ask for and I should be well on my way to keeping up with Dr. Raines. I may not be as disciplined as Sean on the diet front, but if I can come close, I can put myself in range to use my secret power: MILITARY STUPIDITY! This power will enable me to work out until my body physically can't anymore, which usually results in me either passing out or throwing up. Either way, in 6 months I go from this:

(I'm the jackass with the humungoid gut on the left...)

To THIS:

Hell Yeah.

This upcoming weight loss contest is beginning to scare me... Really. Sean came by to show me a text from his wife in which she wrote something to the effect of: "So is the gym the 'Fattledome' now?"

An image suddenly burned itself in my head:

All that seems to be missing is a younger version of Mel Gibson and a midget riding the back of a huge half-wit gladiator.

Yes, as scary as this is becoming, come Monday the gym will be my fattledome...

My employer recently announced a health incentive program they are introducing called Virgin HealthMiles, which happens to be another sub-company of Richard Branson's all-consuming Virgin global brand.

What does this mean to me? Well, from the basic information I've read and discussed with co-workers, participants of this initiative will be signed up, tested, and receive items such as a USB-capable pedometer that will help track our progress on the way towards a healthier, move productive life that (not coincidentally) also helps the company pay less in overall healthcare costs because it's employees are leaner and happier.

So what's the motivation for me to let my company pry into my personal health?

MONEY.

Supposedly, if I am able to meet some goals at the end of each year, I will be eligible to receive up to about $450 from the program! Its a pretty cool idea, but over a year $450 is really just a drop in the bucket. For me to really 'give it my all', there has to be something more.

Enter Fantasy Fatball...*

My friend at work Sean is highly competitive and is also apparently a gambler from the Cosmo Kramer school of action:

We talked quite a bit at work once information about HealthMiles came out about how it would be cool to get a little friendly bet going amongst people in the office, a sort-of 'Biggest Loser' kind of deal that would give people interested a little incentive to try harder to reach their goals... While taking people's money if they won.

This quickly evolved into a mano-a-mano showdown between Sean and I, winner take all, with a total pot of $600 going to the winner at the end of 6 months. The 2-man aspect of this came about because, frankly, I'd rather not get an office-wide gambling thing going for HR to get antsy about. They love me here at work, but the pink slip monster is something I'd rather avoid in this current economy. In the end, a $600 showdown between Sean and I would work just fine.

Yes, things got that stupid that quick.

The program officially kicks off Monday, so on that day we officially begin our self-inflicted misery and decide on what the final requirements for a win will be. I have to admit, Sean has me a bit psyched-out. Kramer Sean is a master competitor and it will be everything I can do to keep pace. Overall, here is the way we stack up as I see it:

Sean

• Apparent ability to easily adhere to extreme diets
• Ability to quite Coke 'cold turkey' (the drink, moron...)
• Willingness to stay through till the end
• Highly competitive nature

Jonathan

• Ability to workout until I puke myself unconscious
• Military-instilled disregard for my own personal safety in order to reach a goal
• Ability to embrace purging as a legitimate weapon in my arsenal
• Total lack of concern where self-deprecation is mentioned

Once you really start comparing us by those facts, I think it's easy to see who the winner is... And in case you still can't figure out who to support, always go with the man willing to hurt himself in order to win. Doesn't mean I want or plan to, just means I'm willing to do it if it gives me an edge.

Next post I'll discuss the unclassified parts of my contest-winning strategy!

*This term was originally coined by Sean Raines. Any unauthorized use of the term is prohibited.

I recently ran in the annual Orlando IOA corporate 5k with a group of people from the company I work for, and it turned out to be a blast. The only problem was, I happened to get the 'best snapshot' award with this pic someone got of me:

(click on the pic for a bigger version if you can't read it)

Ok, horribly insulting picture of me aside, it was pretty cool.

My friend and co-worker Ivory and I left work early to get to the event site, which just happened to be at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. Being an expert at land navigation as a result from my intensive army training, I had Ivory park clear out by Church Street Station becuase I totally forgot exactly where we were heading to. Being men, we decided to keep mum about my 'navigational error' and proceeded to hoof it to the stadium from there. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the ~2 mile walk to the stadium was right through the heart of Orlando's Parramore neighborhood, well known as a very poor inner city area with high crime. I was pretty uncomfortable, but we got to the event without incident and hung out with our other co-workers until the race started. There were over 15,000 people there, and each company had its own tent area. The Disney people seemed to have the largest showing overall, and the whole deal reminded me of the big opening scene from The Warriors where all the different gangs in New York gather together for a big meeting, each group wearing different costumes.

Before the race started, Sean, Ivory and I we were about 150 meters from the starting line and it was just a chaotic mass of people pushing forward after the 'go' was given. We stuck together for about a quarter mile, but I lost track of both of them after that until the end. At first I felt strong and ready, but after a mile I quickly realized I was in way over my head and was no better off then a laim horse. At about 2 miles I was walking with a horrible pain in my gut, and I swore that it was because I gave myself a nice big hernia. For the last half mile though I sucked it up and ran, and I even snuck in a little sprint down the last couple hundred foot stretch. After all was said and done, I eeked out just a shade over a 36 minute finishing time.

Shortly after I finished, I meandered back to our company tent and enjoyed a well-deserved bagel, Gatorade and banana with my team.

That's when that horrible picture was taken. (really, I'm not bitter...)

All-in-all, it was a great time and it really let me know that I need to get serious about getting in shape if I even want to think about running the Disney Marathon next year. I have a feeling that if I were to even try running that beast right now, I'd end up dead, in the hospital, or at the very least, picked up because I was too slow.

Time to hit the gym, fo realz...

Fabio and I are up to running about 4 miles a session now, and hopefully I can keep up with this running for three days a week and eventually work my way up to 8 miles! Well, that's the plan at least, and if it works out I should be ready for the Disney marathon next year with no problem. (see the countdown on the right of this page) My weight is another matter though- Last night the scale told me 257, and this needs to get down to between 205 and 215 by January if I really want to run the thing...

Cranes Roost Park in Altamonte Springs is a great place to run and I really enjoy it a lot, even if some punk as tweens were making fun of Fabio, Amani and I one night while we were running... In addition to wanting to punch a couple of those disrespectful punks, it would have been nice to drink a cold beer in front of them with a giant grin on my face. Jerks.

Yesterday I went over to play volleyball in Festival Park, near the Orlando Executive Airport. This place is a fantastic component of Orlando's Parks Bureau, and I was both suprised and very glad to see such a well maintained site so close to where I live!

Playing out there reminded me of when I used to play a lot while in the army, and also made me realize that I need to keep running and seriously get to work on the whole weight loss and exercise thing. Granted, I made it through 8 games... But after the last one I was horribly winded. (not to mention, it's hard to jump when you're considered 'obese') I still love volleyball a lot, and definately hope to start playing on a regular basis!

Thanks to Dawn for the invite!