The Earth-Toned Pill

Tomorrow is the 'official' beginning of the Fantasy Fatball Competition between Sean and I, but today is my starting point for the elimination of fast food, processed foods and Coke. I had a pretty good weekend maxing out on all my favorite garbage, and last week in general was nothing but one long McDonalds farewell marathon. (Cate was beyond pissed when she saw bank charges on Friday for three Mickey D's meals in a single day...) In any event, the stage is set and Sean and I have established the conditions by which one of us will win this competition.

This is a winner-take-all competition, with the winner being the person with the highest number of points on April 1st. Points will be awarded in four categories:

1. 2 Points for most total pounds lost
2. 1 Point for most improved bad cholesterol
3. 1 Point for most total HealthMiles
4. 1 Point for most improved body fat

For an idea of where I'm starting at, here are my basic health stats as officially recorded at work:

Weight: 271.2 lbs
BMI: 34.8
Body Fat: 28%
Blood Pressure: 135/78

Yeah. Ouch.

In addition to my body almost being one third of just fat, I have insanely high blood pressure and a BMI in the 'obese' zone. With that said, I'm trying to look on the positive side. Like, me being fatter gives me more of an opportunity to lose weight... Look, I know its BS, but it justifies it somewhat, right?

Anyway, I'm really trying to get in the mindset of eating healthy and avoiding the bad things I know I should be avoiding. If I can stick to that, it will be as good a start as I can ask for and I should be well on my way to keeping up with Dr. Raines. I may not be as disciplined as Sean on the diet front, but if I can come close, I can put myself in range to use my secret power: MILITARY STUPIDITY! This power will enable me to work out until my body physically can't anymore, which usually results in me either passing out or throwing up. Either way, in 6 months I go from this:

(I'm the jackass with the humungoid gut on the left...)

To THIS:

Hell Yeah.

This upcoming weight loss contest is beginning to scare me... Really. Sean came by to show me a text from his wife in which she wrote something to the effect of: "So is the gym the 'Fattledome' now?"

An image suddenly burned itself in my head:

All that seems to be missing is a younger version of Mel Gibson and a midget riding the back of a huge half-wit gladiator.

Yes, as scary as this is becoming, come Monday the gym will be my fattledome...

My employer recently announced a health incentive program they are introducing called Virgin HealthMiles, which happens to be another sub-company of Richard Branson's all-consuming Virgin global brand.

What does this mean to me? Well, from the basic information I've read and discussed with co-workers, participants of this initiative will be signed up, tested, and receive items such as a USB-capable pedometer that will help track our progress on the way towards a healthier, move productive life that (not coincidentally) also helps the company pay less in overall healthcare costs because it's employees are leaner and happier.

So what's the motivation for me to let my company pry into my personal health?

MONEY.

Supposedly, if I am able to meet some goals at the end of each year, I will be eligible to receive up to about $450 from the program! Its a pretty cool idea, but over a year $450 is really just a drop in the bucket. For me to really 'give it my all', there has to be something more.

Enter Fantasy Fatball...*

My friend at work Sean is highly competitive and is also apparently a gambler from the Cosmo Kramer school of action:

We talked quite a bit at work once information about HealthMiles came out about how it would be cool to get a little friendly bet going amongst people in the office, a sort-of 'Biggest Loser' kind of deal that would give people interested a little incentive to try harder to reach their goals... While taking people's money if they won.

This quickly evolved into a mano-a-mano showdown between Sean and I, winner take all, with a total pot of $600 going to the winner at the end of 6 months. The 2-man aspect of this came about because, frankly, I'd rather not get an office-wide gambling thing going for HR to get antsy about. They love me here at work, but the pink slip monster is something I'd rather avoid in this current economy. In the end, a $600 showdown between Sean and I would work just fine.

Yes, things got that stupid that quick.

The program officially kicks off Monday, so on that day we officially begin our self-inflicted misery and decide on what the final requirements for a win will be. I have to admit, Sean has me a bit psyched-out. Kramer Sean is a master competitor and it will be everything I can do to keep pace. Overall, here is the way we stack up as I see it:

Sean

• Apparent ability to easily adhere to extreme diets
• Ability to quite Coke 'cold turkey' (the drink, moron...)
• Willingness to stay through till the end
• Highly competitive nature

Jonathan

• Ability to workout until I puke myself unconscious
• Military-instilled disregard for my own personal safety in order to reach a goal
• Ability to embrace purging as a legitimate weapon in my arsenal
• Total lack of concern where self-deprecation is mentioned

Once you really start comparing us by those facts, I think it's easy to see who the winner is... And in case you still can't figure out who to support, always go with the man willing to hurt himself in order to win. Doesn't mean I want or plan to, just means I'm willing to do it if it gives me an edge.

Next post I'll discuss the unclassified parts of my contest-winning strategy!

*This term was originally coined by Sean Raines. Any unauthorized use of the term is prohibited.

Although its been several weeks since my 30th birthday party, its also been a long time since I've posted on here and I figured this would be a fitting 'return' to my blog...

So catie and my mom got the idea a while back to setup a surprise party at my mom's house for my 30th birthday party, which was an especially awesome idea because my parents just finished decorating their amazingly-beautiful new pool!

Catie and I drove out there the day of the party for what I thought was just dinner with immediate family. I was extremely surprised to see in my parents' driveway a bunch of cars I only vaguely recognized, and when we went inside I was surprised to see friends and family from out of town, in addition to those living locally!

It was something that I really wasn't expecting, and it caught me off guard enough to make me tear up. Now when I say I got teary-eyed, you have to understand that not only was I not expecting all this, as I explained to Catie later, I really don't think of myself as someone whom friends would go to such lengths to do something like this for. So for me, this whole thing was kind of a big deal... Another super-cool thing was that I got a bunch of great gifts from family and friends, mostly in the form of book store gift cards! Do you all know me, or do you know me?

Although it rained for a little while that evening, we had so much fun with great food (mom put together a full mexican buffet!), karaoke, and pool time after the rain passed. It was an absolute blast that I will never forget.

I didn't have a chance to do it yet to everyone individually, but I want to take the time now on here to say 'thank you' to all of you that came that day, because I really appreciate it so much from the bottom of my heart.